c’mon chemicals

April 16, 2007

Some days it’s so hard to be satisfied with just living you know? I’ve got such an incredible life, really, there are so many wonderful things going on. But that old craving for being in some gorgeous rush of vibrating intensity of living seems to have set itself on me again. I can’t create those times, just be open to them, I guess. Have I ever had moments like that? Yes, I think I have, those are the parts of my past I remember fondly now, I think. I’ve even experienced them as recently as a few months ago, I recall fondly the bell tower on a windy, sunny winter day. Those times make life worth living.

But then there are times like last Thursday, sitting on a bench outside Local 506, when I really wouldn’t have cared at all if the ground opened beneath me and the earth swallowed me whole.

Is it depressing that a lot of the explanations for the way one feels about living at any particular time can be ascribed to chemicals, be they bodily created or not? On a day when I’m struggling really hard with not letting my hormones determine the course of the day, I think maybe so.

Sometimes I think I have too much clarity about myself, and then other times I am rudely reminded that I have certain blind spots about myself. I’m trying not to let it all get out of hand, seem to have stopped documenting everything quite so obsessively. I haven’t been writing down the titles of every book I read in the little notebook my Aunt Susan brought back from Venice for me anymore, for example. But then I read an off-hand remark about a certain friend’s grocery spreadsheet, and I say “Oh!” and get a glimmer of curiosity about how to implement such a thing for myself.

But no. Fewer self-documentation opportunities, please. I need to devote myself to living rather than thinking about living and documenting living and talking about living (so stop!) and so on.

In other news, there may be a ghost in my house!


One Response to “c’mon chemicals”

  1. pinky Says:

    Sometimes I think that stopping my former documentation has been very good for me. Other times I miss the feelings of community it seemed to bring. Mostly, I’m just lazy.

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